Will you be my Valentine Bunny?

I started this blog with an entry about a stuffed foodstuff known as the Turducken. I explained that even though it was October, I could just about handle the fact that in every mall it was already Christmas.

Forget that.

It is February, yes? So I am okay with the Valentine's Day displays in the shops (never minding that they were up since early January). It is a time when transactional love is not only legal in this country, but encouraged. What would you do for a chocolate-coated, marshmallow heart? Or should that be, what would you not do?

Perfect ValentineEaster garb

My problem, though, is that although the front of this particular store is all about V-Day, and though the red splatter of cards and candy looks like someone killed their fairy godmother in Woolies, something sinister lurks just inside the dairy aisle. The only rodent you wouldn't mind seeing in a food store. Of course, the Easter Bunny.

Lo, right there opposite the yoghurts, is an entire homage to chocolate eggs, chickens and bunnies. This in February. My mind is confused: which is more important? The two days compete in my brain for the title of What I Really Don't Care About Most. Who does their Easter shopping in February anyway? And if it's there just for impulse buying, who really craves chocolate specifically hollow and in egg-form?

They may as well create one huge event all-year round (and marketers could sell, sell, sell this to the hilt):

Happy NewYearValentineSt.Patricks'DayEasterSecretary'sDayWomen'sDayThanksgivingChristmasBoxingDay!


Now that's a display I'd like to see.

Where Politicians [should] Fear to Tread

With an outpouring of concern over former president Mandela's health earlier this month, it was easy to see how much South Africans love and respect him. So much so, that he could, and even should, be South Africa's very first saint.

But religion should have no place in the run-up to an election, local or national. With President Zuma's comments to a crowd of prospective voters this weekend, he has managed to incite not only leaders of various Christian churches and of other political parties, but even the most staunch of atheists. After all, if we had the Ten Commandments of Common Sense to follow, maybe we would all go to some logical heaven where presidents do not need to promise us entry into the afterlife for a cross on a ballot.

Talk about over-promising, though. Whatever happened to free housing, better taxes, creating more jobs? Why use your platform to punt paradise? Maybe if President Zuma and the rest of those in power spent more time fixing the country and less time insulting the electorate's intelligence, we could make South Africa a more heavenly place now.

I can't believe that the ANC now claims that the dangerous comments were only meant metaphorically. Spokesperson Jackson Mthembu said that if the word 'heaven' were inappropriate such names or phrases as 'Sweets from heaven' or a 'marriage made in heaven' would not exist. That's true. That's fine. But part of what President Zuma allegedly said was:

'When you get up there, there are different cards used but when you have an ANC card, you will be let through to go to heaven.'

There is no alternate or 'figurative' meaning to that statement. Forget your Dischem card, your Makro card, even your Blockbusters video card, only the ANC card can guarantee an eternal lifetime in heaven.

So as long as President Zuma is wielding his fork of power, and I do mean 'fork' in the exact figurative sense that he did, South Africa will be putting up with someone whose promises belong back in medieval times. Soon we may be burning witches at the stake again.

But as long as we only light the fires in a figurative sense, I guess they'll be okay.

Sky News is for the Birds...

I used to enjoy the news. Even the bad news. Because at least it was well-formulated and thought through. And, this being the most important fact when it comes to news, it was new. But it seems that with greater access to various media comes a spreading out of content - a measly thin smear of facts and opinion that are recycled endlessly.

Okay, maybe that's not fair. If you want analysis and detail, you can find it in vomit-inducing quantities. On Sky News. It's like they choose one top story for that day (or week) and drag it out so slowly it's like watching a shy stripper. The biggest news of 2010 (according to them, at least) is the engagement of Prince William to Kate Middleton. Alright, so royal nuptials don't just happen every day. It is news-worthy, especially to a British audience. But, my oh my, the details that have emerged.

I know so much about the engagement and the upcoming wedding that I am starting to believe I am Kate's best friend and that my invitation is surely in the mail. I know about the ring that was Princess Di's. I know she picked it in 1981 as her engagement ring from Prince Charles. I know that some believe the ring belonged to Harry, but that he let his brother have it. I know that the Queen is hosting the reception at Buckingham Palace. I know Prince Charles will be hosting a special dinner after said reception. I know they will tie the royal knot (sounds like something a sailor would do on Her Majesty's Yacht, 'Secure it with the Royal Knot, yer moron!') on April 29 2011. The list goes on.

The ring, in case you missed it.

And it's not because I am a fan. It's because I left the TV on too long, and somehow it all became addictive watching. Everything is breaking news. I can't wait for the ticker tape to read 'BREAKING NEWS: Kate chooses chicken over turducken for the wedding menu' and think 'Good girl, Kate. I knew you'd listen to me. Everybody eats chicken.'

Ca$hing In

I have nothing against mindless consumerism, full-blown capitalism or the freedom of speech. However, there is one person on this planet that has me convinced we'd be better off in Stalinist Russia.

Ke$ha. She of the dollar sign in her name, and of 'tick tock' fame. You know, she sings like she talks, which gives you an spine-chilling idea of what a conversation with her would be like. She fails miserably as a singer. She sounds like an airhead from a show like The Hills. She fails as a songwriter (assuming she writes her own songs, which is unlikely. But then she fails to choose decent songs.) I could barely tolerate this bimbo when she burst into our lives with her 'bottle of Jack'. Then I had to put up with 'Your Love is my Drug', which made me wish heroin (or some other incredibly addictive and destructive chemical) was actually her drug. And, lastly, she fails as a human being. Putting herself out into the world proudly for the next generation of girls to look up to and boys to lust after is just plain wrong.

And now there's 'We R Who We R'. You can witness humanity's certain downfall yourself in her new video (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mXvmSaE0JXA) Her glitter-caked, spaced-out eyes, the nose ring, the crucifix-earring in one ear, all the gold and the kitsch glitz. And the lyrics. Oh, for shame. From 'You don't wanna mess with us / I've got Jesus on my necklace' to making up words 'Looking sick and sexy-fied'.

It's, like, me, only sexy-fied.

And if I wanted to listen to a blonde attention-whore, Lady Gaga is by far the cleverer and more talented of the two. She at least gets that while bubblegum pop is brainless, it doesn't have to mean your fans are brain dead.

Get Back to Basics

Today, president of the South African Students Congress (Sasco), Mbulelo Mandlana, said that all matrics should receive free university education from 2011. He stated that South Africa is a 'knowledge economy' and not a 'labour-intensive' one. He also referred to a 'liberal notion...that [a university education] is a privilege'.

Sadly, I agree that it is still a privilege. Sadly, because I would love it if all South Africans had the chance to reach their potential. Sadly, because my days at university were some of the best. Because I know I learned so much, and not just in the lectures but in and around the campus.

But, in a capitalist society, surely a tertiary education is the privilege of those who can afford it?

Mandlana went on to say that there could be an education tax on all South Africans to help shoulder the burden. The whole thing, though, is broken from start to finish: we have an ailing educational system as it is, with thousands of primary and high schools already classed as 'dysfunctional'. Matric exams have just begun, and we all await the results anxiously following the long teachers' strike earlier this year.

With fewer learners passing high school, or even passing but from a 'dysfunctional' school, many of them enter the job market with few skills and no money for a university education. These will become the adults who Mandlana proposes we tax so that others after them have a chance.

The solution is not free university education, but a proper educational system that will produce functional members of society who have the skills to start working. Those who excel will be granted bursaries, those who can afford it can study further.

Then once we have a population with a basic education, with jobs, and that is contributing to society, then we can consider an education tax. Until that day, university education will remain a privilege and not a right.

Unfortunately, we need to start with the ABCs before we start handing out free degrees.

Rather Chew on your Fingernails

In 2000, seven rhino were poached in South Africa. This year, already 230 have been killed. It's a question of limited supply and increasing demand. I always believed that rhino horn was sought after by people in Asia with flagging libidos (and no access to Viagra). After a bit of Internet research, however, I stumbled upon this article:

http://blogs.nationalgeographic.com/blogs/news/chiefeditor/2010/07/rhino-horn-and-traditional-chinese-medicine-facts.html

Apparently, ground-up rhino horn is believed to cure almost any ailment including loss of voice, fever, pus-filled boils and even devil possession. About the only place it supposedly has no place is, ironically, the bedroom. This may explain the growing demand, as it seems to be a cure-all. But as Rhishja Larson explains, rhino horn is really just agglutinated hair, much like fingernails. And a WWF study in 1983 concluded that it has no proven medicinal properties.

Phila is now the face of the anti-poaching movement. She is a brave female rhino who survived being shot in two separate poaching attempts, and who is now recovering at the Johannesburg Zoo. They hope to release her into the wild, but I ask if that is the answer. Surely she can't survive a third attack? Instead, why not educate the people who believe this beautiful animal is the answer to their prayers.

Phila, as taken by Tawanda Mudimu for AP

How about an ad campaign in countries like Vietnam or China, where rhino horn is coveted, that asks people that when they feel sick, to grind up their own fingernails and ingest that? I know which finger they could start with.

Exercise Caution when it comes to Bad Advertising

I really love the idea of tactical advertising, where the ads relate to their specific environment. There are some great examples out there, like the famous BMW vs Audi billboard battle that took place in California. Audi had a billboard up saying 'Your move, BMW.' To which BMW replied simply, 'Checkmate.' Check it out at http://www.bmwblog.com/2009/04/13/billboards-war-bmw-vs-audi/

Another good one is when the two ad agencies Ogilvy and the Jupiter Drawing Room entered into a rivalry at Cape Town International Airport: http://10and5.com/2009/04/ogilvy-vs-jupiter-agency-beef/

And then there are the times when a good old generic ad may have been better. I was driving home on the N1 North, and just before the Neotel offices there's been a billboard up for a while in the signature Neotel orange. It says something like 'Change your service provider without changing your number'. Fair enough.

Now their arch-enemy Telkom has placed a billboard quite a distance before theirs. It is in the bright Telkom blue, and says something to this effect: 'Remember to exercise caution when you see orange.' The word 'orange' is in a shade similar to Neotel's.

The average person battling through the traffic is not going to a) read Telkom's billboard and remember it until b) they actually notice and read Neotel's before c) putting the two together and going, 'Ooh, clever, clever, Telkom!'

Most likely that people will just wonder what Telkom means with the message. Hey, maybe they'll get some credit for helping us out with the rules of the road.

P.S. I owe Telkom an apology. I noticed yesterday that their billboard is actually close to Neotel's offices, which are bright orange. So the chance of someone noticing 'Remember, exercise caution when you see orange' and then seeing the Neotel offices is quite high. That said, I still don't think the message is that clever. 


It just feels a little lukewarm. It's not a 'shut up' message like BMW's 'Checkmate'. Instead, it's a verbal shrug that says 'be a bit careful' - but once I check Neotel's rates and find them favourable, then is it a green all-systems go?